BACKFENCE: 27 Aug 2002 Wired: Its the real toy story

[DeathSpiral]

The following article is written by Jim Lileks. He has a regular column in the newspaper; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, iirc.

Wired: It's the real toy story
What's with this new and annoying packaging?
Rick of Eagan is my hero:
Who, or what, morbid mind came up with the idea to strap, wire, and tie down every child toy six to fifteen times in each box? Please tell Fisher-Price, et al, to KNOCK IT OFF!!!! It was hard enough opening one of these &@$@Q%$% packages before, but now I am trying to do it with an excited toddler crawling over me trying to get to the new toy.

He can't understand what is taking Daddy so long to take this toy ouy og the package... and thank God he definately can't understand the words Daddy is using as I am trying to accomplish this feat. Would someone please explain to me the necessity of this new packaging? I recently had the joy of getting to spend 10 hours undoing, untying, and unwiring all my son's birthday gifts... he was long asleep before I finished.

Agreed. One of Toddler(tm)'s birthday presents was Minnie Mouse, Bondage Edition. Or so I could only conclude from the way she'd been trussed to the box. Her feet were bound by thin plastic strings, and a stout wire garrote had been twisted around her neck, suggesting this was meant for some Thuggee death cult. The Simpsons figurines I collect not only come sealed in airless blister packs, but are held in place by wires twisted so tich. Why? Are they worried the figurines will come to life and claw through the plastic -- and if so, shouldn't they warn the consumer? CAUTION: CONTAINS SPORADICALLY ANIMATE MATTER. Usually the long ocean voyage from China asphyxiates any toys that spring to life, but just in case, they tie 'em down.

THE STATE FAIR RASH
Hah! You thought I was making that up? From Susan, also in Eagan:
I started getting the rash several years ago. When my hisband and I got home from hours and hours at the fair (he had gone every year for 55 years, if you count in-utero) I found I had spotty red patches on both ankles, beginning just at the top of my socks. To a dermatologist this may have looked benign, but to us it looked incredibly strange: these are ANGRY red marks and they take several days to fade. Wearing shorts is not an option for a while.

We were in the little tourist town of Littleton, Colo., a couple months ago and I was amazed to find the same thing happened there -- when we returned to our motel roomafter tromping around town for several hours, there was my State Fair Rash. I've been meaning to write and find out if they use a particular type of insecticide and see if it's the same one used at the Fair.

In the '40s, they used to use Kilzemded, which was so toxic it could not be tested on lab rats because it dissolved the creatures on contact. Then they went to DDT, but that was back in the days when we thought it was healthful; in face there used to be an "All You Can Inhale" DDT tent near the turkey barns. In the '60s they flirted with napalm, but didn't we all? What they use now, I've no idea. (Translation: its after 5 on Friday and no one's answering the phone.) (NOTE: the section above is all made up. Whether or not the Rash is due to bug spray, I have no idea. I make the casual baseless suggestion, you decide: the Backfence motto.)

PARADE OF FEARS
What the heck, let's drag this horse out of the stable and make it trot around the track again. From Joy:
I'm afraid of biting off my tongue in a car accident. Not afraid of the crash, just the biting-off-the-tongue part.

That's why you should always fill your moth with bubble wrap before you drive. Only problem is, if you're pulled over for speeding, and while the pliceman is writing out the ticket, and you sneee, everyone hits the deck and the cops are not in a good mood when they figure out where the sound came from.

My new crash-related fear: getting trapped in my car, unable to cut the seatbelt or shatter the window. This fear wsa brought to my attention by the people who make the seatbelt-cutting/window-shattering tool. The ads suggested that I am a reckless fool if I do not wear one in a small holster at all times, so I bought one and carried it around. Let me tell you, friends, the old cliche is true: when all you have is a seatbelt-cutter/window-smasher, the whole world looks like a seatbelt and a window. No one seemed gratified to be liberated from their metal coffins. Not one. Apparently I'm a "moron" because they weren't trapped, just stopped for a red light. Well, if it's a crime of caring too much, then I please guilty.

(Actually, I plead to a reduced charge in exchange for probation.)

Next: The 2002 Awards for Useless Dreck. See you Thursday.